~~~~~~~~~~» Liz «~~~~~~~~~~

"But...but...I can manage at my own house just fine," I said as AJ helped me out of his Expedition and made sure that I was well on my way to the front door as he got my bags out of the back of the truck.

"Yes...I’m sure you could...but I’m going to make sure that you have everything taken care of so you won’t have to worry," he answered as he walked up behind me and waited for me to open the door. "And so I won’t have to worry for that matter."

"Oh gee thanks...that makes me feel so totally trusted," I said hastily as I walked into the entryway and left him standing there wondering what I was talking about.

He finally gave up on trying to understand me and followed me up the stairs to one of the guestrooms.

"Where’re you at?" he called out when he got to the top of the stairs.

"In here," I called out from the furthest guestroom from where he was.

I plopped down on the bed and waited for him to come find me.

"What’re you doing all the way down here in this room?" he asked when he finally walked in the door and found that it was the right one.

I shrugged. I don’t think he liked that answer.

"Look...I’m sorry if you don’t appreciate that I’m trying to do something nice for the girl that I love," he said before he set my bags down on the floor and turned towards the door. "Dinner will be ready in half an hour," he said before he walked out the door and shut it forcefully behind him.

I lay down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling for about an hour and a half until I heard the front door open and then shut again. I stood up and walked over to the window. After I pushed the curtain to the side, I saw AJ walking towards his car through the window. He hurriedly got in his truck, hastily shut the door, and left. He didn’t really look upset, but by the looks of his driving, I knew he was at least a little bit. After I watched his truck disappear down the street, I turned around and walked out into the hallway. I slowly and carefully made my way down the stairs, put a CD in the stereo, put it on play, and picked up the black leather bound book and pen that was sitting on the mantle of the fireplace. With the book in hand, I went through the dining room where I saw a cold plate of food on the table that I guessed was supposed to be mine and continued out the doors to the back yard. My bare feet felt good in the coolness of the grass as I walked across the yard and then stepped into the sand of the beach. The warm sand was a nice contrast to the cool grass. I walked over to an old log that sat on the beach and sat down, looking out over the ocean as the sun got ready to set in the sky. I took a slow steady breath as I opened the cover of the book and turned to the page that I had last written on...it was almost a month since I’d last written before I left for the tour the day after New Year’s. I turned my eyes to AJ’s writing and began to read.

Jan 1

Liz I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t want you to leave last night...I don’t even know what happened. It was almost like I wasn’t there, even if my body was, my mind wasn’t. I heard you talking to Nikki a few days ago...the more I thought about it, the more I let the anger get to me. If you’ll just come back, I won’t let it happen again.. I’m going to go talk to Nick later today and tell him that I truly am sorry for doing that to him. Hopefully he’ll forgive me...and I hope you will too.

The ocean breeze softly blew my hair out of my face as I continued to read.

Jan 2

I went and talked to Nick yesterday and he told me that he understands...I’m glad that we’re both speaking and acting like we used to again. You’ve only been gone for a day, but it seems like a lifetime when you’re not talking to me. I wish things were different. If only you could see how much I really care for you, you’d come back...or at least call. I don’t know what else to say except that I miss you SO much...so much that it hurts. Please come back soon!

Jan 5

I still haven’t heard from you and it’s taking a toll on my mind and soul. I feel like I’ve lost a part of me, and I can only hope and pray that it comes back...that you come back. If you don’t come back to me, I know that I’d never live again. Oh sure, I’d be living, but I wouldn’t be alive...my soul would die because it can’t live without you here to feed it mentally and emotionally. I haven’t left the house since I went to Nick’s in hopes that you’ll call. Kev keeps telling me that I need to get out and have some fun, but there is no fun when you’re not here to have fun with me. Please call! I need you!

Jan 18

As I sit here by your bedside, I can’t help but pray for you to come back to me. I need you Liz. I need you sooo much! We’re all here supporting you and waiting for you to wake up. You look so peaceful lying there on the white sheets of the bed, but I know that that’s not where you belong. You belong on stage...at home...on tour...anywhere but here. It kills me to see you like this! You have to get better, if not for me, do it for you.

I reached up and wiped the tears away that were falling down my face. I looked up and watched the sunset over the ocean. Even though the sun was setting in the other part of the sky, the horizon was still a beautiful pink and purple color from the sunset. I closed the book and held it to my heart as I wrapped my arms around myself and let the soft ocean breeze brush against my face as I listened to the faint music coming from the house.

~~~~~~~~~~» AJ «~~~~~~~~~~

Something was different when I came home...my heart felt it as soon as I pulled into the driveway. I cautiously got out of my truck, opened the front door, and walked inside. I walked in just in time to hear the last notes of ‘Right Here Waiting’ by Richard Marx playing from the stereo before it started playing again. She had it on repeat for that one particular song. I climbed the stairs and went to look for her as the music played.

I listened to the music as I checked all the rooms, but didn’t find her in any of them, including mine. I quickly went back downstairs and noticed the plate of untouched food on the table. My heart skipped a beat as my mind raced with possibilities of where she could be. When I saw that one of the windows was open and the curtains fluttered from the breeze, I decided to check outside. After I looked around the yard, I was instantly relieved when I saw her figure sitting on the old log on the beach. The sun was pretty much set and the stars were starting to come out, so I went in the house and got a throw blanket, knowing that the ocean breeze would cool down considerably. When I gently wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, she whispered a ‘thank you’, but didn’t open her eyes. She held the leather ‘journal’ book up to her chest in her arms. I sat down next to her and was about to say something when I noticed that she had been crying. When a piece of her hair fell into her face, I reached up to brush it away at the same time she did. She opened her eyes when she felt my hand on hers. She looked down at the sand, causing more of her hair to fall in her face, as she wiped away the dried trails that her tears had left on her cheeks. After she pushed her hair behind her ears, she looked up at me with a gaze that I couldn’t read. I thought I saw a glimpse of true, raw affection and love, among the jumble of other mixed emotions. I could only see it for a second before she broke her gaze and turned her eyes back to the sand. The silence that sat between us was broken when she looked out into the ocean and spoke in a gentle voice.

"Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you hadn’t met me?" she asked.

How was I supposed to answer to that? I sat there speechless as she continued.

"Don’t get me wrong...I don’t want you to be mad at me for asking, but I want you to answer honestly. I won’t be mad at how you answer either," she added softly. "Have you wondered what you’d be doing right now?"

She turned her eyes to meet mine in slight anticipation of an answer that I wasn’t sure how to give.

"No...no I haven’t," I answered honestly. "I’ve never thought twice about loving you."

She must have felt my sincerity, because she gave me a small smile before she leaned over and allowed me to put my arms around her while she rested her head on my shoulder. When she pulled back a little after a few minutes, I let her go and watched her sit up and pull the pen from the binding of the book. She opened it to the last page that had been written on and lifted the pen to the paper. I sat there and watched her, amazed at the girl that was sitting there at my side, as she wrote out her feelings by the light of the moon. When she was done, she handed the book to me and watched me as I took it from her hands and read what she wrote.

When I was asleep in the hospital, I dreamed that you were there talking with me. You promised me that you’d never do anything to hurt me or make me afraid if I came back to you. I trusted you then, and I’m trusting you now. You told me that I had so many people supporting me...and that you hoped I knew how many people love me. I was touched by that, but what touched my heart was when you said that you loved me the most. All I have to say is I love you more!

I looked up and found her watching me read. When her eyes met mine, I saw the look in her eyes turn from soft and caring to slight shock when she realized that I really DID make a promise while she was in the hospital from the look in my eyes. I looked back down at the book to read the remainder of her entry.

You have proven to me what real love is, and I’ll always be indebted to you for that. You’ve caused my heart to feel more deeply and with more passion than I ever thought imaginable. Things seem so clear now, when before they were fuzzy and out of focus as I tried to look at things through the eyes of the world. You have found the key to my heart and soul and I’m thanking you for setting them free with the power of your love.

I’ll love you now and forever, this promise is true. You’ve stolen my heart, that treasure’s only for you.

XOXO Forever and Always ~ Liz

I looked up at her and smiled when she held out the pen for me to take. I took it from her hand and slowly began writing.

Liz, I’m so glad that you’re here with me now. I’m amazed at how much you seem to bring me alive whenever I’m here by your side. Life wouldn’t have been the same if you weren’t here. I need you here with me to help me, hold me, love me, and share everything with me. You are the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are my life. You are the air I breathe. You are the joy that I feel deep in my heart. The day that I saw your face on that TV screen way back last year, I knew that I had to meet you. When I saw you in the airport, you took my breath away. I just can’t believe I didn’t find you sooner. We were destined to be together and I’m glad that fate has granted us the opportunity to be together as one. I love you more than you’ll ever know. Alex

I closed the book, replaced the pen in the binding, and handed the book back to her. She held it for a few seconds before she stood up. She waited for me to stand up too before she took my hand in hers. We walked up to the house together, hand in hand as the stars shone above us.

© Liz Holder 2000