~»~»~»~»~» Chapter 28 «~«~«~«~«~
~~~~~~~~~~» The Next Day «~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~» Bri «~~~~~~~~~~
"Think she’ll want to join us in the pool for a little while?"
I looked up and found Nick standing next to me at the table that was filled with barbecue-type food. When I saw where he was pointing, I shook my head a little, turning my attention back to the plate of food that I was putting together.
"Probably not," I replied before playfully stuffing an olive my mouth with a silly face.
He just laughed at me as he watched me walk away from the table towards where the patio table was sitting, abandoned by everyone else since they were all in the pool playing around. I’d volunteered to cook the food on the grill, so I was the last one to have a go at all the yummy food on the table. Since we were still technically on tour, Howie and Meg decided to wait until both their tours were over to even think about a honeymoon, so it was decided amongst the rest of us that we’d celebrate (and do a little relaxing while we were at it) with a barbecue. Nick’s house was the first place that was suggested for our get-together and since there were no objections, it was a done deal. I tried to watch Nick walk over to Liz as inconspicuous as possible, but no one was paying any attention to me anyway, so it didn’t matter. As soon as Liz noticed that Nick was approaching her, she gathered her papers and things into a neat pile and looked up with squinting eyes. Nick gestured over his shoulder, so I assumed he was asking her to join them. She lightly shook her head, politely declining. I watched curiously as Nick pulled the papers and things from Liz’s hands, which caused her to instantly become protective and angry. He moved in front of the lounge chair that she was sitting on, and straddling it, sat down in front of her. He set the stack of things in-between them as he spoke, knowing what he was saying even if I couldn’t physically hear what was said between them.
"Well I’ll be..." I said to myself softly as I watched both Nick and Liz stand up from the lounge chair.
She gingerly pulled off her shirt to reveal a modest black tankini top on underneath that had bright red flames shooting up on the fabric as Nick walked away towards the pool. I knowingly looked out into the massive double pool and smiled smugly to myself when I noticed the other guys suddenly become quiet as they watched her basically strip in front of them. She slipped off her loose denim jeans to reveal the bright red shorts that matched the top perfectly. Whether she knew it or not, innocent or intended, she was teasing them big-time. Nick’s pool was split into two different sections, one a longer and slightly deeper one for laps and exercise, while the other was a little smaller (but still pretty deep), which made it a good place for a party. She was totally oblivious to the stares as she pulled her sunglasses off her head, placing them beside her papers, along with her rubber band from her hair, on the chair. She walked over to the small ledge between the two sections of the pool that separated them. I laughed when she reached out and gave Nick, who was standing at the edge of the pool on the patio with his back facing the pool, a push, sending him falling in to the pool behind him. Before he had time to resurface, she gracefully dove into the unoccupied side of the pool and began swimming laps. Everyone that had witnessed what had happened to Nick laughed when he came up, whining a little. Liz did a few laps, finally slowing down after about five. She came to a stop at the dividing ledge in the middle of the pool, hoisted herself to a sitting position on the top with ease, and sat there, watching everyone play games and have fun. I got up to put my now-empty plate on the table with the other dirtied dishes, and when I turned back around, I barely did in time to see Nick quickly come out of the water unnoticed next to Liz. He grabbed hold of her waist, pulling her under on the smaller side of the pool with him. Her screams of protest were instantly muffled when they went underwater.
"Holy cow Nick...why don’t you suffocate the poor girl while you’re at it," Arti said defensively as Nick came up solo. "Where is she?"
"I dunno," he replied. "I let her go after we went down."
"Where is she?" Meg asked again, getting frustrated.
"I don’t know!" Nick exclaimed back.
I quickly pulled my shirt off over my head, revealing a white wife beater and my swim trunks.
"Move out of the way," I shouted. "Move!"
I could see her on the bottom of the semi-deep pool so I dove in and went straight to the bottom. She wasn’t moving, which I knew right away was a really bad sign. I slid my arms under hers and around her waist before I pushed off from the bottom of the pool to the surface above. Kev was waiting on the patio when we came up. He pulled her from my arms up onto the warm cement patio. I got out of the pool as quick as I could so I could help out. Kev, Nick, and AJ were kneeling around her body as she lay on the ground. Howie was trying to keep Meg and Arti under control. I moved next to Nick while AJ and Kev were on her other side.
"She needs CPR," AJ said in hysterics.
"Well she’s your girl...you do it," Nick shot back.
"She’s not mine!" AJ yelled louder. "You’re the one that tried to kill her...YOU DO IT!"
"Both of you just move!!!!!" I ordered, pushing Nick out of the way so I could start, since they obviously wouldn’t be doing anything but yelling at each other.
Out of nowhere, she started coughing, water coming out of her mouth from her clogged lungs. She coughed until she was relaxed enough to stop. I sighed in relief as she slowly sat up, coughing a few times as Kev gently rubbed her back. Meg brought a towel over and wrapped it around Liz’s shoulders as Kev watched her to make sure she would be ok. The only noises that she made were quiet sobs as she cried softly, leaning against Kev. I reached out and steadied her body as she sat up quickly and began coughing again. She gently tugged at the towel that was around her shoulders, holding the corner of it over her mouth as she coughed. I leaned a little closer to her, whispering in her ear.
"You ok?"
She looked up at me with fear-filled eyes. She slowly lowered the corner of the towel and nodded a little. I watched her as she carefully pulled her hair away from her face before she let out a sigh, forcing herself to take it slow in case she started coughing again.
"Why didn’t you let me go?"
I looked up and into her eyes as her tears fell steadily down her pale cheeks. She spoke carefully as well, knowing that if she didn’t, she’d be coughing again. I quickly looked up at Kev, who was sadly shaking his head in disbelief. I next looked to AJ, who was in total shock of what she said, bowing his head in shame of himself, and then Nick, who looked like he was either going to cry or start yelling. By that time, Liz was full out bawling.
"She wouldn’t let me go with her...she made me come back," she mumbled through her tears.
Once she realized what she’d said, she quickly covered her mouth, hoping that we hadn’t heard but knowing that we did. She soberly sat up straight, drying her tears before she once again brushed her hair away from her face. Just when I thought she’d stand up and leave, she began coughing again, this time harder, as if she couldn’t stop. I reached out and gently rubbed her back, whispering in her ear.
"Relax..." I said. "It’ll go away faster if you relax."
When she stopped coughing, she sadly looked to the ground.
"I’m sorry...I didn’t mean any of that," she said quietly. "I haven’t felt like myself lately."
She looked up at me with worried eyes and I knew right away what she meant. She hadn’t taken her pill yet.
"Come on," I said, gently helping her stand up while everyone else just sat and stood in silence. "Let’s get you inside."
"I’m ok," she said, pulling herself from my hands. "You stay out here with everyone. I’ll be fine."
Everyone else slowly went back to whatever they were doing while I just stood there and watched Liz walk over to the chair where her things were, scoop them up in her arms, and disappear into the house. I wanted to go after her, but I knew that I shouldn’t. It wasn’t my place to.
~~~~~~~~~~» Later That Afternoon «~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~» AJ «~~~~~~~~~~
"I’m going to go get a few things from my place real quick," I told everyone as they all settled down in Nick’s entertainment room to watch movies after swimming all day. "I’ll be back as quick as I can."
"See ya J," Kev called to me as I walked to the front door.
I slid my sunglasses on as I stepped into the warm sun-filled sky. The sun was setting, so it was the perfect time of day to just chill or mellow out. Liz had left a little earlier for the airport since she had to fly overseas and be in Sweden the next night for a concert. My thoughts kept going back to what happened earlier. I didn’t mean to yell at Nick, but once I realized that I might have lost my one and only, I panicked and started freaking out. ‘I’ll have to apologize to Nick later’ I thought to myself as I walked up to the driver’s side of my car. I was about to get in when something on the windshield caught my attention. It was an envelope stuck under the wiper-blade with my name on it. Once I saw the handwriting, I immediately knew who it was from. I snatched it quickly and got in, hoping that no one saw, but also knowing that they were all inside, so they couldn’t have possibly seen anything. I quickly stashed the white envelope into the elastic band that was on the visor, determined to leave it to read later since I told everyone that I’d be back soon. It didn’t take me that long to get to my house, grab the few things that I needed for the remainder of the tour, and get back to Nick’s house. I was only gone for about an hour. I quickly grabbed the envelope before getting out of my truck, stuffing it into the inside pocket of the leather jacket of mine that I had picked up from my house. The sole reason for grabbing it was to hide the envelope from peering eyes until I could read the letter alone.
"Welcome back Bone," Nick said once I walked in the front door.
"Thanks man," I replied, walking into the half-deserted movie room.
Nick must have noticed my questioning look as I glanced around the room, finding Arti and Kev asleep on the couch, as he sat in the chair, quietly watching the TV so he wouldn’t wake them (even if they did sleep like the dead). Bri looked up from his spot on the floor when I walked in.
"Hi," Bri said shortly before he turned his attention back to the TV.
"Everyone else decided to get some sleep since we have a late flight tonight," Nick added.
"Ok," I replied. "I’m just going to go out back and sit on the patio for a while."
"K man," Nick said, also turning his attention back to the TV. "We’ll come get you when it’s time to leave."
I barely heard what he said as I walked through the room into the kitchen, and out the sliding glass door to the patio. I went and sat down in the same chair where Liz was sitting only hours before, slowly pulling out the envelope from my pocket. I sat there and stared at her handwriting for a minute, letting it remind me of so many wonderful memories from the past, before I carefully ripped it open. My eyes involuntarily clouded over with tears as I read her words.
This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I know that if I don’t, I’ll only be hurting you more, and I can’t bear to see that. Please understand that this is the only way I could do this...any other way would have been too painful. I’ve already hurt you enough, and for that I’ll forever be sorry for that.
When I first moved from my parent’s house in Colorado to Salt Lake City to go to school and start at a new job, I felt extremely insecure and stripped of every support system that I had. Forced to start over and work from the ground up, I got a job at a radio station as a go-getter, also known as a ‘gopher’ to most of the people I worked for. I was the one who got the coffee...picked up the mail...delivered the inner-office files and memos. I hated that job, but I knew that if I quit, I’d have nothing. I would have no way to pay for my apartment, school, and everything else that I needed.
Then I met Rachel. She worked at the station as an assistant producer, so she had quite a few connections to the upper levels, meaning managers, executives, and basically everyone that ran the place. She introduced herself as a fellow employee, but we soon became fast friends. As we realized that our ambitions were similar, and our interests likewise, we began to spend a lot of our free time together. I told her about my family experiences, ones that up until that point, I hadn’t told anyone. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I really had no one that truly and genuinely cared. She told me how her ex-fiancée left her when she told him she was pregnant with their baby. That was 5 months before I met her. She also told me how her parents died when she was in high school, leaving her an only child and an orphan on the same day. We shared a special bond. We became so close that when we went out together, people asked us if we were sisters. I always thought of her as a sister. She helped me move from the job of the go-getter to Jay-J’s assistant. I was there through the last months of her pregnancy. I held her hand as she was in labor. I helped her with her baby as much as possible. She named her baby, my goddaughter, Madisen Elizabeth, after me. Even when I wasn’t there all the time, she still called and we talked like old times. I missed her so much during that first tour with you guys. And then, when I least expected it, I got a call from Jay. It was the night before Valentine’s day. Jay told me that Rachel had gone to the doctor for a routine check-up and left that day knowing that she had ovarian cancer...stage two ovarian cancer to be exact. I couldn’t tell anyone. I just couldn’t. I’d had a horrible feeling earlier that day, and instead of getting worried over what I thought was nothing, I took it out on everyone that was around me. And when Jay told me that she would have to have chemo and radiation, he also told me that she’d be ok. I was determined not to let it show, but keeping it to myself was part of the reason that my relationship with you went downhill so out of control. I know that I should have talked to someone, but I thought that if I kept it to myself, it wouldn’t be true. Total denial. And when I came back to Kevin’s after those three weeks of being away, that was denial too. I did want to work things out, and I did want to give us a chance, but my mind wouldn’t let my heart be hurt again. I always felt that I did something so incredibly wrong that caused the closest person to me to become sick, and eventually die, for something that I did, although I never understood what it was. I was selfish. And because of my total selfishness, I hurt you, the person that I loved the most, more than life itself. I lied when I told you that I didn’t want to work things out. My own broken heart blinded me from what we had. And for that I’ll always be sorry. I’ll always regret doing that to you, and I only hope you will understand, and forgive me, if your heart will let you.
There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t give to bring her back. I’d give my own life if it meant that she could be here. But I’ve realized that she’s not coming back, and I have to move on, even though it still hurts. I still hurt. I hurt for what we could have had. What we would have had. I just wanted to tell you how incredibly sorry I am, for everything I’ve done to you, and for how much I’ve hurt you. I know that what I did is inexcusable, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry.
Liz
Her cell phone number was at the bottom. I read and reread the words and numbers over and over until someone flipped the light switch that lit up the patio area. I quickly stuffed the letter back into the inside pocket of my jacket and half-attempted to dry the tears that fell from my eyes.
"It’s almost time to go," Nick said, popping his head out the door to look in my direction.
I slowly stood up from the chair and walked over to where he was standing at the door, wiping my eyes the rest of the way dry.
"Hey...You ok?" he asked, obviously concerned.
"Yeah, I’ll be ok."
© Liz Holder 2001