~~~~~~~~~~» A Few Months Later «~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~» April 6th «~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~» Arti «~~~~~~~~~~

"Meg, you look so beautiful!" I said when I finished buttoning the small pearl-shaped buttons on the back of her gown.

I backed up and watched her as she turned around in front of the full-length mirror once before she faced me and smiled.

"Thank you," she replied in a shaky voice.

"No, don’t cry!" I said with tears forming in my eyes as well. "We can’t cry!"

She lifted her hands from her sides and lightly fanned her eyes as if it would help.

"I bet the boys aren’t even dressed yet," I said with a laugh, causing her to laugh too.

"Definitely not!" she replied.

She smiled brightly when there was a knock at the door. We both watched it open, allowing her parents, Jenn (her sister), Angie, and Polly to come in from the hallway of the massive church. Her parents both began to tear up at the site of their youngest daughter all done up and ready to be given away. Jenn, Angie, and Polly were all dressed with their hair and make-up done.

"Boys done getting dressed yet?" I asked Polly quietly as we watched Meg’s parents both give her a loving hug.

"Nope," she replied with a laugh. "Howie’s one big ball of nerves."

"So is Meg," I told her, motioning to Meg as she tried not to cry while her mother talked to her and then gave her a hug.

"You all look lovely ladies," Meg’s dad said as he walked past us to the door.

"Thank you," the four of us replied in unison.

Meg’s mom smiled with happy tears slowly dripping from her eyes as she walked by us a few minutes later, going to join her husband in the hallway. Meg still stood in front of the mirror, making sure everything was ready. Her hair was done, her make-up was perfect, and she had a huge smile on her face, which was a definite good sign, until she suddenly turned around with a worried look on her face.

"Where’s Liz?!?!" she asked frantically. "She...I need...She said she’d be here!"

"Calm down Megs," Jenn replied, walking over to sister and gently resting her arms around her shoulders in a gentle hug. "She’ll be here."

I quietly led Angie and Polly out into the hallway.

"We need to try and see where Liz is," I said quietly, knowing that if the others knew that something was up with Meg, they’d panic. "If she’s not here by the time the ceremony starts, I know Meg will go completely ballistic."

The two girls nodded slightly, thinking of what to do.

"I’ll try asking the guys to see if they’ve heard from her," Polly said before she hurriedly set off in search of the room that the guys were waiting in.

"I’ll go see if her ride has arrived yet," Angie added before following the same direction Polly had gone.

I just stood there sort of in a daze, wondering where Liz could be. I jumped a little when I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder a few minutes later.

"You ok?"

I looked up and found Bri standing next to me with a worried look on his face.

"Yeah, I just...The ceremony starts in five minutes and Liz isn’t here yet," I replied.

"She walked in just a few seconds ago," he said with a smile, pointing towards the foyer.

"She did?"

He nodded with a laugh as he watched me quickly walk down the hallway toward the front entrance of the church. Sure enough, there she was, standing in the foyer talking with a few of the guests and a few friends as well. She was already dressed in her bridesmaid’s gown with her hair curled in delicate ringlets, and her make-up looking perfect as usual. She looked up just as I walked in. She graciously excused herself and quickly walked over to me.

"Arti!!!!!" she said quietly, but completely filled with excitement as she gave me a huge hug. "I’ve missed you girlie! You have no idea!"

"Aw Liz...I’ve missed you too," I replied, hugging her back.

"I’m late, I know," she said.

I guess she could tell that I was just a *little* bit worried that she wouldn’t make it.

"Madi’s been a little sick, so I got off late...then there was traffic at the airport," she added. "Plus the fact that I had to fly overseas...but I’m here!"

"Yes, you are," I replied, taking her hand in mine when I saw the guys all walk out of their waiting room. "The ceremonies are about to start, and Meg wants to see you, so we’ve got to hurry!"

She happily followed me, eager to see one of her best friends on one of the most important days of her life. I smiled when got closer to the room. She let go of my hand and ran up to the closed door to knock. She smiled back at me as I stopped in the hallway.

"Go on," I told her. "I’ll stay out here to tell you when it’s time."

"Thanks Arti!" she replied with a grin.

"Welcome," I said, watching her turn the door handle to go in.

~~~~~~~~~~» Liz «~~~~~~~~~~

"Come in."

I turned the handle and gently pushed the door open before I walked in and shut it behind me. Meg was standing on the other side of the room in front of a mirror, looking herself up and down, probably for about the hundredth time of the day.

"You look gorgeous Megs," I said.

I grinned when she quickly turned around and saw that it was me talking to her. Her sleeveless gown flowed with her every move, and when she twirled around to see me, the poofy tulle-made skirt of her gown swished elegantly. She wore a tiara that was adorned with pearls that perfectly matched the satin-covered top of her gown. From the tiara, yards and yards of light, flowing see-through tulle cascaded down her back as the crown sat on top of her new slightly shorter than shoulder-length hairdo. She practically jumped and threw her arms around me in a hug.

"Thank you," she replied with a sniffle.

"Don’t cry girlie!" I said as she pulled away. "I told you I’d be here! I couldn’t miss my bestest friend getting married!"

"I know," she replied with a smile.

"This is it!" I said. "You’re going to be married, and cozy, and happy, and...I’m so happy for you!"

"Thanks," she said for the second time in the last five minutes.

There was a soft knock on the door before Arti poked her head in.

"They’re ready for you," she said with a smile.

"We’re coming!" I replied happily.

Arti shut the door again.

"Let’s go get you married!" I said with a grin as I took Meg’s hand in mine and led her to the door.

"Liz..."

"Yeah," I replied, stopping in front of the door.

"Thanks for always being here for me," she said with tears threatening to fall once again.

"You’re welcome Meg," I said in return. "And thank you for always being my friend no matter what."

I opened the door, where I found Meg’s dad waiting to escort his daughter to the aisle where he’d walk her down the aisle and give her away. He smiled at me as I set Meg’s hand in his. Meg hugged her dad again as I walked down the hallway towards the foyer where the rest of the bridal party was waiting. I walked up to Bri just in time to see Jonathan (Meg’s nephew) and Mackenzie (Meg’s cousin) walk down the aisle, Mackenzie throwing flower petals on the white lace-covered aisle, and Jonathan carrying the ringbearer’s pillow. Howie was already standing by the priest, smiling happily in his tux as he awaited his beautiful bride. Jenn and John were the first in line, following tradition, with Nick and Angie behind them. I joined Bri behind Nick and Angie. He held his arm out like a perfect gentleman, and I accepted with a smile. He gave me a silly smile in return and a funny face that made me laugh a little.

"Stop silly!" I whispered softly to him with a smile as I leaned closer to him.

Kev and Arti were behind us, with AJ and Polly following them. Nick and Kev both said Hi to me when I arrived, and I wasn’t really surprised when AJ didn’t. All of the guys looked incredible in their matching black tuxes. Howie’s tux vest was a gorgeous deep purple and the rest of the guys in the bridal party had vests that were a lighter purple to match the bridesmaid’s dresses. We walked down the aisle with everyone else, smiling at the crowd of friends and family. Howie and Meg decided to only have family and friends at the ceremony with media friends, a few fans, and everyone else at the reception. Bri kissed my cheek lightly before he let me join the other girls at the end of the aisle. I gave him a smile when he turned around and stood next to Nick. The soft processional music filled the church with melodic music as everyone awaited the bride. I turned my eyes towards the aisle along with everyone else, but quickly looked back when I felt someone’s eyes watching me. I looked back just in time to see AJ turn his head away towards the aisle with an unemotional stare. I looked at him for a few seconds and when I realized that I’d probably lost him for good this time, I wanted to cry, like many of the people in the crowd, but for a different reason. I let my head hang a little before I looked back to the aisle to see Meg enter the room with her dad at her side. Silent tears clouded my eyes as I watched them proceed to where we were waiting near the priest. I forced the tears back as I watched, knowing deep down that I longed to be her, in that position of so much love and support, but also now realizing that it would never happen. It was bittersweet to watch them exchange their vows and rings, full of love and total commitment, then followed by a perfect kiss. Before I knew it, Arti was turning to walk back down the aisle, following the newly-weds and the other guys and Polly. Angie gently touched my arm, silently telling me that it was my turn to go. Bri met me halfway, offering his arm just like he had before. When he gave me a big smile, I gave him a small smile in return. He must have sensed that I had other things on my mind when he looked in my eyes before he escorted me once again.

"Hey you," he whispered to me so softly that I wondered if he said it at all as we entered the foyer where Howie and Meg were accepting congratulations all-around.

The whole bridal party and the immediate families were ushered into a waiting room while the crowd cleared out of the church so the photographer could take the wedding pictures that Howie and Meg had requested. Meg with her entire family. Howie with his. Meg with the women of her family. Howie with the men of his. Meg with all the women of the two families. Howie with the men of both families. Meg and Howie with both their families. Meg and Howie with the kids. Meg with Mackenzie. Howie with Jonathan. Meg and Howie with the families and bridal party. Meg with the women of the families and her bridesmaids. Howie with the guys and the men of the families.

I smiled a perfect smile for every picture that I was in, and I’m sure anyone who was watching would’ve thought that everything was great, but in reality, my world had fallen apart and was lying at my feet in ruins. I wanted to run away and cry until I couldn’t anymore, but I didn’t want to change the mood of the moment. I was there as a guest, and I had to play the part of the perfect guest. Once the family pictures were done, the families were escorted to two waiting limos while the rest of the pictures were taken. Meg with her bridesmaids. Howie with his ushers. Meg and Howie with the guys. Meg and Howie with the guys and the bridesmaids as couples. Everything went perfectly. The perfect people to go along with a perfect day. Except there was one person that didn’t fit into that world of perfection. Me.

"Come on gorgeous," I heard through my thoughts as someone took my arm and started to lead me towards the doors. "You’ll miss your ride."

I looked up and saw Kev gently tugging on my arm, attempting to lead me where the others had gone. I followed slowly, but in all truth, I didn’t want to go. I knew what would happen. Loneliness and sadness would take over.

~~~~~~~~~~» A Little While Later «~~~~~~~~~~

From where I sat at the bridal table, I could see the dance floor slowly filling with couples, everyone having finished with the elegant but light gourmet meal prepared by Florida’s finest. Meg and Howie had finished their first dance together already, followed by Meg dancing with her dad to ‘Butterfly Kisses’ and Howie dancing with his mom to ‘The Perfect Fan’, sung by the other guys of course. Now everyone was joining up on the dance floor, dancing their cares away, while I sat here, alone, at the abandoned bridal table. When I was sure no one saw, I snuck away out the back of the gigantic reception tent that sat on the beach, wanting to be alone with nothing to bother me but the comforting sound of the waves crashing against the shore. I slid off my shoes, carrying them in my hand as I walked in the cool sand along the beach. It was just after sunset, so it wasn’t cold, but there was a slight breeze, bringing the temperature to a comfortable coolness on the nice spring night. I held my breath until I was a good distance away from the buzz of the crowd, in fear of someone seeing me fleeing from the scene. Only then did I let the tears silently slip down my cheeks, falling to the moist sand below. I found a small smooth boulder a ways down the beach, far enough away for anyone to see me, but close enough for me to see the tent and the dozens of people buzzing around it. I sat down on it and pulled my knees up to my chest like I always did, burying my head in my hands to quiet my sobs. After I’d finally settled down a little, I wiped my eyes dry as set my feet back down on the sand and I stared out into the rapidly darkening sea, thinking about anything and everything. I still had to tell AJ everything that I knew I didn’t want to. I had to tell him before it was too late, which it probably already was. I had to tell him.

"Liz?"

I looked up a little startled and saw Bri a few feet away, walking up to where I was sitting. I lowered my head a little as more tears fell. Just the sounds of his voice made me think of everything that I’d so selfishly thrown away, though it really didn’t involve him. I lifted my head and looked the opposite direction, hoping he wouldn’t say anything about me leaving.

"Can I?"

I turned my head and looked up a little to see him pointing to the open space on the rock next to me. He didn’t wait for me to reply before he sat down next to me, slightly leaning his shoulder against mine.

"I was going to ask you to dance, but you left," he said softly. "I figured you’d be out here."

"Sorry..." I replied with a sniffle as I again wiped my eyes dry.

"No. Don’t apologize. You don’t have anything to be sorry for," he told me, turning a little more to face me. He studied me while I tried to compose myself again. "You haven’t told him, have you?"

I shamefully looked up at him, lightly shaking my head. When he didn’t say anything, I slowly lowered my head and stared at the sand beneath my feet. I felt ashamed that I hadn’t told the other guys yet. I knew that I should tell them, and it was always in the back of my mind, but I just couldn’t do it yet.

"I saw the way you were looking at him earlier," he said, standing up again. "I know you still care about him. You always will."

"That’s what makes it so hard," I replied, swallowing the lump that was slowly forming in my throat. "How is he?"

"He’s still holding on with everything that he can," he replied, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his pants. "He might act like he’s moved on, but he hasn’t. He can’t just let your memory slip from his mind. It’s not that simple because you’re his life. He lives and breathes for you."

"You mean he did," I said, standing up as well as the air between us filled with silence.

"Listen, I’m going to go back now before someone sends a search party," he said. "When you feel ready to come back, I’ll be waiting for a dance."

When I didn’t say anything in reply, he casually backed away a few feet before turning around to walk away.

"Bri, wait," I called out to him when he was about 20 feet away.

I stretched my hand out towards him, walking to where he was. He gently took my hand in his before we both walked to the canopy tent in silence. He led me inside, straight to the dance floor where he took me in his arms, doing his best to comfort me and my broken heart. We danced to the last half of ‘End Of The Road’ being sung by Boyz2Men since Howie and Meg had invited them to sing at the reception. When the song ended, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I looked up into Bri’s eyes and saw him give me a little permissive nod. I didn’t have time to react before Bri let me go completely and let the other person take over.

"Bri," I said softly while trying not to let my voice give way to tears, watching him weave his way through the crowd of dancing couples, not really realizing that I was now dancing in someone else’s arms.

When he tried to pull me closer, I instinctively pushed away before I looked up into the chocolate eyes that stared back at me. My impulses took over and I let myself lean against him, basking in the scent of his cologne and his touch, knowing that nothing would ever be the same. I looked up at him and sighed softly when I saw the same unemotional look on his face. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know.

"Oh," I said wincing in pain as I felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach.

He must have noticed that something was wrong, because he stopped moving, and set his hands on my shoulders as I tried to keep myself from doubling over in pain.

"I’m fine...I’m ok," I said, slightly looking up at him after a second once the pain had subsided.

He didn’t say anything, but just stared at me as if he didn’t believe me, or as if I’d betrayed him, both of which were evident in his face. I wanted to pull away, and just when I was getting ready to, Kev rescued me and asked if he could cut in. I knew that AJ wouldn’t protest, but there was still a small glimpse of hope that he would. That hope diminished immediately as he quickly retracted his hands from my shoulders, leaving me without even a glance back as he disappeared in the crowd.

"Hey," Kev whispered, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "You ok?"

I looked up at him, knowing that he’d see the tears in my eyes and demand to know what was the matter. It was now or never.

"I need to talk to you," I said softly, sliding his hand off my shoulder. "Tell Arti that you’ll be back in a few minutes so she won’t worry."

He did as I told him to, and when he was done, he met me near the back service entrance of the tent, where workers and servers were carrying trays full of champagne glasses. Just when we were about to walk out of the tent, Bri walked up.

"It’s time," he said, setting a pill in my hand before he was gone again.

I walked out of the reception tent, stopping momentarily to get a glass of water at the food tent where the food was prepared. Kev watched as I swallowed the pill, not even attempting to ask because he already had a pretty good idea of what it was. When I’d taken care of the glass, he followed me as I walked farther and farther away from the commotion of the event that we were supposed to be a part of. He walked beside me as we walked on the beach in silence.

"I know that you already know about my pills," I said suddenly after a few minutes of silence between us.

He looked down at me with a guilty, but questioning face as we continued walking along the deserted beach.

"When I couldn’t find my bag at the hotel in New York, I called the front desk and they told me which room number it was in," I explained, looking down. "I found out that you were in that room a little while later, and when I finally did get my bag back, everything was out of place."

"I’m sorry," he said in reply. "I didn’t know who’s it was and it didn’t have a name or room number on the hotel tag, so I opened it to see if there was anything with a name inside."

He paused for a few seconds.

"I certainly found something with a name on it," he added.

"I don’t want you to assume anything," I said. "I can’t talk about it right now, but when I’m ready, you’ll know everything. I promise."

He nodded a little as he looked back to the sand ahead of us as we walked. We were quiet for a few long seconds.

"Kev, I don’t want you to hate me," I said, stopping and turning to face him.

He kept walking until he saw that I’d stopped a few feet behind him.

"I don’t hate..."

"I know that you resent me for hurting one of your best friends in the worst way that I could, and in all truth, I resent myself for the same reason," I said, cutting him off as I studied the moist sand that was at my feet.

I could feel his eyes watching me as I stared at the sand below, trying not to cry for about the billionth time that day. I finally looked up into his eyes as a tear slipped past my guard and rolled down my cheek.

"I just need some time," I said softly, wiping the tear’s trail away with my hand.

"Liz...I don’t hate you," he whispered as he walked back to where I was standing. "I could never hate you...and I know how hard everything’s been for you lately. I was the same exact way when my dad passed away."

He casually pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back to let me know that he understood.

"Thanks Kev," I said once he pulled away, but kept one arm around my shoulder.

"Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help," he replied as we walked back to the tent.

"Thanks."

© Liz Holder 2001